Tag: Signs of Domestic Violence

Softening Words

For the longest time,
I would never state facts or opinions
with absolute certainty.

I wouldn’t say,
for example,
“The use of fossil fuels
IS making climate change worse.”
I would say
“The use of fossil fuels
MIGHT be making climate change worse.”

And this meant
men would immediately discount
or dismiss my contributions.

Many women moderate their statements.

Why?

Because many women
have dealt with violent men.

And violent men
don’t like it
when we use absolutes.
They will pound the sh*t out of us
for using them
in ANY context.

So we don’t use them.

And then we have to train ourselves
to use absolutes
in a business setting.

But if the woman is still living
with her abuser,
she has to remember
to stop using absolutes
in private
or she might die.

Remember this
the next time you are tempted
to dismiss or discount
a woman’s opinion
because she didn’t state it
with 100% certainty.

She has dealt with violence.
If you punish her for that,
you’re a f*cking jacka$$
and
you are also contributing
to that violence.

What Is Done In Public

I’m a child of abuse.
My dad was an absolute monster.

He would moderate his behavior greatly
while in public.
He would do his best to hide
the violence.
He held a high level job
(one level below C-suite),
was highly intelligent,
knew how to do this.

But there were always tells.
There were clenching of jaws,
of fists,
stiffening of his body.

And sometimes he would get physically violent
in public.
He always had a socially acceptable excuse
like someone was ridiculing
my Mom
or one of us
and other people would tolerate his behavior.

But that was all it was
– an excuse.
He wanted to hit someone,
anyone.

Assume if someone is physically violent
in public,
they are physically violent
in private
and usually one hundred times worse.

If a person responds
to upsetting words
with physical violence
in public,
assume they ALWAYS respond
to upsetting words
with physical violence
in private.

This applies
to interviews, business meetings,
holiday parties.

My dad would use alcohol a lot
as an excuse to get violent.
It didn’t cause his violence.
It allowed others
to forgive him for being violent.

Know if you tolerate the violence,
it WILL continue
and will eventually escalate.