asking for help – client k

Do They Truly Agree?

A (rather emotionally unstable)
neighbor was throwing away
a cracked garbage bin.

I needed another garbage bin
for my backyard composting.
I planned to put holes
into it.
The additional crack
wouldn’t bother me.

I asked him
if I could have it.

He said, “Of course.”

I told him
I had to drop off
the things I was carrying
and would be back for it.

When I came back,
mere minutes later,
the garbage bin
had been smashed
into a thousand pieces.

People tend to agree
to EVERYTHING
asked of them.
They don’t want
to look unhelpful.

Their actions tell us
if they TRULY agree.

If you are counting
on that agreement,
test them
with a small action first.

Allow People To Say No Easily

Most people,
if feeling obliged
to say yes to a task
or to an obligation,
will do a sh*t job
at it.

It is often MUCH better
to find someone
who truly wants
to say yes.

So give the person
you’re asking
an easy way
to say no.

I usually give them a choice.

“Could you promote my book
in your newsletter
or
help spread the word
in some other way?”

“Do you want to help
with this charity event
or
will you be an attendee only?”

Give people an easy way
to say no.

Having Help Saying No

Doers do.
Sometimes we do
too much.

A loved one
recently took on too much.
He was considering
taking on yet another task
(to help someone else).

He ran this possibility
by me.
I said no.
I told him
he already had too many tasks
to complete.

He told the person
he couldn’t take on the task,
citing that he was told
he couldn’t do that.

He didn’t say
WHO told him
he couldn’t do that.
And he didn’t say
why he was told no.

The blame was deflected
to the unknown person.
His relationship
with the favor asker
was undamaged.

Sometimes we need help
saying no.
Enlist that help.

Your Priorities Aren’t Their Priorities

A loved one calls
at least once a day
to ask me
to remind another loved one
to do certain things.

That’s not happening.

Because I have things
I want this loved one
to do for me
also.

Her top priorities
aren’t my top priorities.
Not by a long shot.

And she can remind him
herself
when she talks with him
multiple times a day.

That’s a task
that doesn’t need delegating.

Your priorities
aren’t likely to be
someone else’s priorities.

Remember that
when you ask for help.

If You Don’t Ask For Help

A Youtuber was complaining
about how all the plants
in her garden were dying
or doing poorly.

I saw immediately,
from the video,
what her issue was.

But she didn’t once
ask for help.
She complained
but she didn’t seem to want
or welcome
any advice.

So I kept my advice
to myself.

If you have a problem
or a challenge,
ASK for help.

Then…
appreciate that help,
even if you don’t plan
to take the advice.

That increases the probability
that person will help you
again.

If You Start Fights Or Argue…

A home in the neighborhood
was broken into.

The owners asked
if anyone had security camera footage
of suspicious people
hanging around
or entering their house.

There was no response.

Because no one wanted
to risk dealing with the owner
of the broken in house.

He has started fights
with almost everyone
in the neighborhood
over the past few years.

And the probability was high
that any help given
would result in another fight.

If every interaction with you
ends in a fight
or
an argument,
don’t expect people
to interact with you.

Ask For One Favor At A Time

A loved one
called today
to ask for favors.
Favors.
Multiple favors.
Six to be exact.

And they weren’t easy favors
to grant.
Each one will take
at least a couple hours
to tackle.

She thought she was being efficient
by saving up the favors
and asking for them
all at once.

Nope.
She was greatly diminishing
the odds ANY of them
will be fulfilled.

I would have put aside time
to do one of the favors.

I don’t have 12 plus hours
to do things for her.

And when I heard her list,
I felt…
taken advantage of,
used,
like an unpaid unappreciated
employee.

It wasn’t a nice feeling.

Ask for one favor
at a time.

When To Stop Asking A Person For Help

I ask a person for help
usually about twice.

If they refuse to help
both times,
I stop asking them.

And I ask someone else.

This might seem like
a no-brainer rule.

Why would you continue
to ask
someone who won’t be helpful
for help?

Yet we do this
ALL the time.

Usually we do it
with loved ones,
with parents
or spouses
or siblings.

And it causes us
heartache.

Stop asking
people who won’t help us
for help.

Focus on the people
who WILL help us.

Assuming They Are The Same

There are two main types
of tomatoes
– determinate
(they stop growing
once they reach
a certain size)
and
indeterminate
(they never stop growing
and never stop
producing tomatoes).

Before this year,
I had only grown
determinant tomatoes.

This year,
the seeds I had harvested
from grocery store tomatoes
all grew into
indeterminant tomatoes.

I assumed the process
for the two
were the same.

I placed tomato cages
around them.
I didn’t prune them.
I waited for
the big harvest week.

The tomatoes
quickly outgrow their cages.
They sprawled everywhere.
They continue to flower
and produce fruit.

I totally f*cked up
growing them.

All that could have been
prevented
if I had simply ASKED
if there were any differences
in growing them.

Don’t assume
a new scenario
will be similar
to a scenario
you’ve already faced.

Ask!

Mass Asking For Favors

I received a gazillion messages a day
from writers
asking me to help promote
their books.

If they don’t mention something
that is specific to me,
if the message is generic,
I ignore it.
And I’m more likely to ignore
their next message.

Seth Godin
shares

“If you ask 100 people
for a favor
to “get the word out,”
then of course
you don’t care so much
if 80 or 90 people decline.
The problem is that
you’ve just hurt the relationship
you had with these people
(as thin as it was)
as well as made it more difficult
for the next person,
the one who actually
put some effort and care
into making a connection.”

There IS a downside
to mass requesting favors.
Think before you do this.